


One Year On(wards)

by QueenofSchmoop



Series: The Onwards verse [3]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Crying, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Oral Sex, Schmoop, Teasing, brief talk of food play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 00:48:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22007224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenofSchmoop/pseuds/QueenofSchmoop
Summary: It’s one year after the events of the season finale. Lukas has been sweet, attentive, shown all sorts of gay pride and happily walks the hall of the school hand in hand with his boyfriend. So why does Philip keep thinking something is going on, below the surface?
Relationships: Philip Shea/Lukas Waldenbeck, Rose/OMC (briefly)
Series: The Onwards verse [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1271135
Comments: 7
Kudos: 120





	One Year On(wards)

**Author's Note:**

> this is a sequel to my previous fic “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you”. I don’t think it has to be read first to get it but it would probably help

Helen Torrance smiled as she heard the knock on the door. She turned her head from the bowl of beans she’d been working on at the dinner table and looked at Philip. “Pretty sure that’s for you.”

Philip grinned, stood up and walked past her to get the door. Sure enough, standing there, was Lukas Waldenbeck. “Hey,” he greeted him with a warm kiss. 

“Hey,” came the return and another peck. “Am I late?”

“No. We’re just working on getting supper ready. Gabe’s not even home yet. C’mon in.” Philip led the way. 

Lukas waved when he entered the room. “Hi, Helen.”

“Lukas. How have you been?”

“Good. You?”

“Can’t complain.” She gestured. “We’re not quite ready for supper, as you can see.”

“Can I help?” Lukas asked, pulling out a chair and straddling it, but not before scooting it closer to Philip’s. 

“Wanna shuck some of these beans?”

Lukas’s face went blank then he nodded. “Sure.” He took a handful and then looked at Philip. 

He smiled and showed him how. He watched Lukas copy him and nodded encouragingly. Lukas smiled back. They worked, chatting about the day’s events, the conversation casual. Soon, Gabe showed up and the dinner preparations began in earnest. After all was done, they moved it out to the table in the backyard. 

“Shame your Dad couldn’t make it,” Gabe said as he filled his plate. 

“Yeah. But he’s away on business. Some really important deal.” Lukas didn’t take any food until after Philip had been served. Then he helped himself. 

They ate. Conversation was comfortable but the focus was on eating. When everyone was done—Lukas asking Philip twice if he wanted more—they sat back and sighed. Gabe went back to the house and brought out beers for himself and Helen, sodas for the boys. 

“I know you guys drink but not around the Sheriff,” Gabe teased them. 

Philip laughed. “What? We never let alcohol touch our lips.”

Lukas laughed along with the joke but did shoot a few hesitant looks at Helen. Philip knew that he still felt vaguely unsettled by her. He reached out and patted Lukas’s leg. They headed back inside. 

“Time for dessert?” Helen asked. 

“Thanks but we have to get going if we want to see the next showing.” Philip and Lukas were planning on going to the movies, here in Tivoli. There was one local theater and it was playing the new superhero flick. 

“Don’t eat too much candy at the movies!” Gabe warned them. “On top of my delicious meal, it might be too much.”

Philip smiled. Protective as always. “Got it.” He led Lukas out and down the steps, to the motorbike. They put their helmets on—Lukas long ago having bought one especially for Philip—and revved off. Philip waved to Helen and Gabe as they sped off. Soon they were on the edge of town, where the small movie theater sat. A lot of other teens were there as well. 

As they got of the bike, they said hello to several people. 

“Look! There’s Rose and Jim,” Philip pointed out. 

“That guy she’s dating? Ugh, do we have to?”

Philip laughed and pulled him over. “Be nice.” They met up with the pair. “Hey!”

“Philip! Lukas!” Rose greeted them both warmly. “You remember Jim?”

“Of course,” Philip said.

“Hey,” Lukas said. 

“What movie you guys going to see?”

“That new sci-fi one. Looks cool,” Jim said. 

“Ah,” Lukas said, sounding relieved. “We’re going to the superhero one.”

Rose was already walking into the theater with Philip. Lukas looked at Jim, shrugged, and followed. Jim wasn’t far behind. 

After getting snacks, they parted ways in the halls with a promise to hang out another time. As Lukas and Philip headed into their theater, Lukas let out a little sigh of relief. 

“I know you didn’t really want them intruding on our date,” Philip said. 

“I like Rose but it still feels a bit awkward to be on a date with my boyfriend around her. I mean, ex and all.”

Philip smiled and stole a couple of kernels of popcorn.

“Hey! You’ve got your own!”

With a cheeky smile, he stole one more. “I’ll share mine with you if you want.”

Lukas’s face softened. “Thanks.”

They sat in comfortable silence until the previews started playing. This was the part Lukas hated but Philip loved. He always made a game of it, guessing how many would be before each movie. Lukas played along, usually guessing way too many. This time he said “Ten” and was rewarded with a giggle. Philip guessed three. It turned out to be four. 

“I win.” He held out his hand. 

Lukas poured out half his peanut M&M’s into that waiting palm. Then he leaned over quickly and plucked one back with his tongue. Startled, Philip glanced around. The theater was fairly crowded, though there were few right around them. And it was pretty dark. Pleased, Philip scooted closer and said in Lukas’s ear, “nice moves, sexy. Remind me to show you some of my own later.”

Lukas shivered, Philip knew it wasn’t from being cold. He saw his boyfriend look at him and smiled, leaning back in the seat. 

They were both good for the duration of the movie. After, they made their way back to the bike. As Lukas drove, Philip tapped him twice on the shoulder and asked, “tree or barn?”

They never went back to the cabin anymore, as that had too many bad memories associated with it. When they wanted private time, they either went to the barn or the tree where they had met up again after Lukas had produced the gun. 

“You think Helen and Gabe will still be up?”

“Yes.”

“Tree it is, then.”

“We could always go to your house,” Philip pointed out. “Your Dad isn’t home.”

Lukas stopped the bike, though he kept the engine going. “Do you want to?”

Philip shook his head. “No.” Part of it was still the overbearing presence of Bo Waldenbeck that permeated the house, even when he wasn’t there. Part of it was the fact that Lukas tensed too much in that house, even now. But mostly it was that Philip thought of those other places as ‘theirs’. Private, with a personal connection. 

They ended up at the tree, sinking down under the branches and cuddling. As Philip rested against Lukas’s chest, he had to ask. “Lukas?”

“Hmmm?”

“Why do you give in to whatever I say?”

Philip felt Lukas go rigid under him. 

“What?”

“I didn’t notice it for a while. I was…distracted.” He didn’t say by what, the memories of that time right after his mother was killed too painful. “But I finally got wise. You give in to me all the time.”

“I do not!” Lukas protested. 

“Yes you do. You always put me first, too. Like at supper tonight when you didn’t eat until I had all my food. Hell, you didn’t even take anything until my plate was loaded.”

“Maybe I was just being nice?” Lukas asked, squirming a bit. 

“A few days ago, when I said I wasn’t feeling up to cleaning my room? You came over and did it for me!” 

“I’m just that good of a boyfriend.”

Philip pulled back from Lukas chest, peering at his face through the gloom of the drawing in night. “You still feel guilty, don’t you?”

Lukas turned his face away. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“About how you treated me. About my mom. You told me, in the hospital. After Ryan. You said you would spend your life making it up to me. Is this what you meant?”

Lukas didn’t respond. 

“Lukas. Please. Tell me.”

Lukas looked at him, jaw squared. “Yes.”

Philip shook his head. “You idiot. You know you don’t have to do that. You know I don’t want you to do that.” When he saw Lukas about to protest, he added, “I don’t want you to always put my needs ahead of yours, Lukas. It makes me feel like you’re doing things just because I want them done, rather than you wanting to do it. It feels…manipulative.”

Lukas looked stricken. He scrambled to his feet. “You think I’m manipulating you?”

Philip got up quickly. “No. I think it feels like _I’m_ manipulating _you_.”

“What?” Lukas looked confused. “I don’t get it.”

“Lukas, do you remember last month, when Helen wanted us to go shopping with her?”

“Yeah. We went down to the city and she bought all that stuff, including all those new clothes for you.”

“I kept offering to take the bags but you kept taking them. More and more until you had them all. When I kept saying something about taking a few, you brushed me off, saying you were fine.”

“I was!”

“Or were you just saying that because you felt you had to carry it all? Just like you want to carry all my weights, emotional and otherwise?”

Lukas looked down. “I’m just trying to help.”

“And I love you for that,” Philip said, moving in and cupping his face. “But, Lukas, it makes _me_ feel guilty. Like I’m using you or something.”

“You’re not--!”

“I know. But it feels like it. I sometimes wonder if we do things that I want to do, that you don’t, just to make me happy.”

“What’s wrong with making you happy?” Lukas wanted to know. 

“Nothing. But not at your expense, Lukas. Not if it‘s something you don’t want to do.” He paused then went on. “Okay, think of it this way: it would be like if I did something in bed with you that I didn’t particularly want to do, or even hated, just because you wanted to do it.”

Lukas’s eyes went wide. 

“Get it? It makes me feel like I’m using you.”

“You haven’t, have you?”

“Used you? I—“

“Ever done anything in bed with me that you didn’t want to do,” Lukas clarified, sounding slightly panicked. 

Philip drew Lukas back down to the ground with him. “No.”

“Never?” Lukas asked, voice unsure. 

“Never,” Philip said emphatically. “Not even a little bit. I love everything we do, everything we have done.” Lukas still didn’t look 100% convinced. So Philip leaned forward and kissed him for a while. “Never, Lukas,” he said when the kiss ended. 

Lukas seemed to accept that. 

“But you get my point, right?”

“Yeah.” He sounded unsure. 

“Look, Lukas, it’s terribly sweet of you to put me first. I’ll admit, it’s a helluva boost to my ego. But, from now on, if you don’t want to do something, you say. All right? Time for your needs to come first once in a while.”

“All right,” Lukas acquiesced quickly. 

Philip knew what he was doing. “Lukas, does your stomach hurt?”

Lukas smiled. “Yes.” It was their way of saying ‘I Love you’, even though they sometimes said the real words anyway. Philip more often than Lukas. 

“So does mine.” Philip pressed a soft kiss to Lukas’s neck, right over the pulse. “No more of this. Please?”

Lukas nodded. “All right, Philip. I’ll try.”

Philip smiled. “Good. Now, what do you want to do?”

“What do you--?”

“Ah!” Philip held up a finger. 

Lukas stopped. Then he said, “I’m not sure I should admit what I want to do.”

“Lemme guess. You wanna have sex?” He frowned as he felt Lukas pull away a bit. “Hey. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.”

“Never mind.” Lukas said softly. 

“Lukas. Look at me. Please?” When he did, Philip spoke. “If you think it’s some sort of chore or hardship to have sex with you, then you’ve lost your mind.” Philip ran a hand down Lukas’s chest. “Sex with my super hot boyfriend? Yeah, that sucks.” He put as much sarcasm into his voice as he could. His hand made it down to the growing bulge in Lukas’s pants, gently squeezed, then slid back up until it was on his face. He brought their mouths together, the slow kiss heating up as it went on. And on. And on. 

When they finally broke apart, Philip smiled. “So, about that sex.”

Lukas laughed. “You’ve got a one track mind.”

“When I’ve got a boyfriend as hot as you? Hell yeah.” Philip glanced around. “This doesn’t seem like an ideal place.”

Lukas now looked hesitant again. “Well…”

Philip smiled encouragingly.

“It’s what I was going to say earlier. It’s stupid,” he mumbled. 

Philip shook his head. “Lukas. I’m sure it’s not. Tell me?”

“I…I was going to say that I wanted to make love to you. At my house. In my bed. To make up for that time, right after I punched—“ He cut himself off. 

Philip didn’t finish the sentence either. “It was pretty hard, walking away from you. Especially when you started pulling off my jeans. You have no idea.”

“I almost went after you. I wish I had.”

A smile. “You really want this? Not just because you feel you ‘owe me’?”

Lukas nodded. “It’s—“ He stopped. 

Philip waited patiently. When Lukas wouldn’t go on, he leaned in close. “Lukas?”

“It’s been a fantasy of mine for a while,” he finally ground out. 

“We’ve had sex in your bed,” Philip pointed out. 

Lukas half shrugged. 

But Philip got it. They had had sex in Lukas’s bed. Hurried, careful or sometimes tense sex. They’d never been able to truly relax, to really make noise. Philip put his own arms around Lukas. “Then take me to bed, Handsome.”

Lukas exhaled sharply. “Can’t. Cause now I can’t walk.”

“Turned you on that much?”

“You tell me.” They both looked down. It was hard to see in the darkness but obvious enough. 

Sure enough, Philip thought, then pulled out of the embrace. “C’mon.” He led the way to the bike. The vibrations didn’t help as they made their way to the Waldenbeck farm. Once there, Lukas unlocked the door with shaking hands. Philip covered them with his own. “Hey. You okay?”

Lukas got the door open and reached in, flicking the light on. It gave him a bit of a halo effect, especially around the hair. “Yes.”

“You want me that much?” Philip asked, leaning in. 

“Yes. Always. Before I could even admit it to myself.”

Philip felt a rush of affection. He pressed a soft kiss to Lukas’s lips. They stood there, in the doorway, kissing for a while. Finally Lukas got impatient and stepped back, gallantly bowing. 

“Welcome to my humble home.”

Philip giggled as he stepped across, shutting the door behind him. “Gonna give me a tour?”

“You’ve seen it. And there’s really only one room I’m interested in right now.”

Philip gestured with his head. “Lead the way.”

They went up the stairs. Lukas’s door was open. It looked the same as the last time Philip had been here but now there was a charge in the air. An electricity. He had moved ahead. He now turned and saw Lukas looking at him. Love and wonder were in his eyes. 

Philip abandoned his previous plans and stretched out his arms. “Tell me what to do. What you want. Tell me your fantasy.”

Lukas drew a deep breath. “Don’t tempt me.”

“Why not? Let me tempt you and then fulfill all your wishes.” Philip licked his lips sensuously. 

Lukas exhaled hard. “Take your clothes off. Slowly.”

Philip smiled. Gotcha, he thought, as he shrugged out of his jacket. He let it fall with a thump. “Slow enough?”

“Not bad.”

Philip pulled at the hem of his shirt, exposing his belly. He pretended like he fumbled the fabric and dropped it, then grabbed it again. With agonizing slowness, he lifted it up. When he got it to high chest level, he pulled it over his head and tossed it aside. He was now shirtless. He toed off his shoes, then started working on his buckle. He undid that and pulled it through each loop deliberately. He dropped that too. 

“You’re killing me here.”

“Not funny,” Philip said, stopping immediately. 

“Sorry. I’m sorry.” Lukas crossed over to him and pulled him close for a hug. He nosed into Philip’s hair. 

“No, I’m sorry.” He just hated thinking of how close Lukas had come to dying. “Now that you’re over here, wanna finish what I started?” Philip guided Lukas’s hands down to the waist of his jeans. 

Lukas smiled. “Only thing better than watching you undress is getting to do it myself.” He undid the fasteners and lowered the zipper, then pushed slightly. When the jeans went past Philip’s thighs, he knelt down. “Put your hands on me and step out.”

“I don’t need an excuse to put my hands on you.” Philip put one on Lukas’s shoulder and used the other to play with his blonde hair. He smiled as Lukas let out a contented sigh. “Good?”

“Very. But it always is when you touch me.” Lukas looked up, from his knees. Philip now only had socks and his underwear on. Lukas reached up, eyes never leaving Philip’s and tugged them down. 

Philip used him once more as a way to keep steady as he stepped free of them. He laughed as Lukas threw them over his shoulder and they landed on his motorcross poster, then rebounded to the floor. 

“Something funny?” Lukas asked, knowing all too well. 

“Nothing. Just, you’re adorable.” He smiled as Lukas flushed red. “You are.”

“Nah. You’re the adorable one. Cutest guy I ever saw.”

“Yeah?” Philip asked, pleased. 

“My stomach hurt almost from the moment I saw you,” Lukas admitted. 

Philip let out a surprised gasp. Which was immediately followed by another as Lukas leaned in and nuzzled against his hard on. It was rare that Lukas sucked Philip off. It was usually the other way around. “Lukas, this is supposed to be about you.”

“It is. This is my big fantasy. To have you in my room, and have all the time in the world to love you.”

Philip opened his mouth to say something but just then Lukas took him in his mouth. All words were lost as a wet tongue touched him, a hot mouth surrounded him. The sounds in his mouth turned to moans. When he was close, he let out a noise of distress as Lukas pulled off, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Lukas?”

“I told you. Wanna take my time.”

“Drive me crazy, I think you mean,” he smiled to take the sting out. He yelped as Lukas stood and picked him up, carried him the few steps to the bed and they tumbled down in it. They both laughed as they bounced, rolling and kissing. “You ever gonna get undressed yourself?”

Lukas kissed him twice more, once on the lips and once on the cheek. “Maybe.”

Philip laughed. “Tease.”

“Never for long,” Lukas said, sobering slightly. 

They lay there, looking at each other with adoring eyes. Then Lukas slid his hand down Philip’s body, down to his waiting cock. He pumped it a couple of times, then rubbed his thumb over the head. Philip bit his lip, exhaling through his nose. 

“Hey, hey!” Lukas reached up his free hand and pulled the lip free. “Nope. Thought we agreed.”

“Yes dear.”

Lukas laughed. Leaning down, he rubbed his nose against Philip’s collarbone, then licked at the skin. He mouthed his way up, sealing their lips together again, as his hand worked Philip. After some time, he pulled both mouth and hand away. 

“Lukas…” Philip groaned. 

“Trust me.” He slithered down Philip’s body and licked delicately at the skin of his belly. 

Philip watched as he inched slower, soon hovering over his erection. He reigned in his impatience, waiting as patiently as he could. He was rewarded when Lukas took him in his mouth and began a gentle sucking. Bringing one leg up, he draped it around his boyfriend’s shoulder. It changed the angle and let Lukas take him deeper. “Doing okay?”

Lukas pulled off long enough to say “yes,” then take Philip back in his mouth again. This time, rather than tease once more, he kept going. 

Philip ran his hand through Lukas’s hair, which was getting slightly sweaty now. “I’m close,” he whispered, too used to having to be quiet, especially in this room, this house. 

Lukas popped off again. 

Philip glared at him. 

“Turn over,” Lukas half ordered, half requested. 

With a questioning look, Philip obeyed. He felt Lukas sit up and press soft kisses to the back of his neck. He let out a pleased hum. As hands trailed down his back, followed by lips, he let out a contented sigh. 

“Like that?” Lukas asked. 

“Yes,” Philip hissed quietly. Lukas moved lower and kissed each of his cheeks and then parted them. A fingertip played between them and Philip’s whole body wiggled. “Do it,” Philip begged. 

“Not yet.” Lukas sat up and gently turned Philip over. 

“Lukas,” Philip groaned out his name. 

“I’m gonna take care of you,” Lukas promised. “But I want to enjoy every inch of your beautiful body, all right?”

Philip let out a deep breath. “All right.”

“Thank you.” Lukas stretched up his body and kissed Philip sweetly. He left his lips and pressed kisses all over his face. 

Philip sighed. 

“Okay?” Lukas asked, pulling back slightly. 

“Yeah. Feels good. Decadent.”

“Like chocolate?” Lukas laughed a little. “Hmmm. There’s an idea to try. You and chocolate, both at the same time.”

“You like that idea?” Philip was curious. 

Suddenly, Lukas looked abashed. “Maybe?”

“Hey. If you do,” Philip said, cupping his face with both hands, “we can absolutely make it happen. At a later time, that is. Right now, let’s finish this fantasy first.”

Lukas smiled. He leaned down and kissed Philip. “Yeah,” he breathed against his mouth. 

They kissed, over and over again. Hard and passionate, soft and sweet. During the kisses, Lukas finally took off his clothes. Soon, they were on his bed, both naked. Lukas pulled him into a full body embrace, breathing deeply. 

“No matter how many times we do this,” he said, “it still feels amazing. You feel amazing.”

“You feel amazing too.” Philip said, running his hands up and down Lukas’s back. 

Lukas nosed along his collarbone. He followed it up with kisses. All over his neck, down his chest. He lapped gently at each nipple, then rolled each in his mouth the way he knew Philip loved. Sure enough that earned him a gasp and a buck of hips. Gently laying Philip down on his back, he held himself up with one hand. The other, he used to caress Philip’s side and hip. As he did so he kissed his way past Philip’s belly, gave one brief kiss to his cock, and then rubbed his cheek against the inside of Philip’s thigh. 

Turning his head, he pressed a soft kiss there, then did the same across the way. “Put your legs on my shoulders, Philip,” he whispered, as if afraid to break a spell. 

Philip did exactly that, then exhaled loudly when Lukas used his tongue on his hole. “Lukas,” he gasped out the name. 

“I love your ass,” Lukas said, retreating enough to speak. “If I were a poet, I’d write odes about it.”

Philip giggled. “You would?”

“Yeah. If I were a photographer like you, I’d take the best pictures of your butt. Show everyone how perfect it is. If I were a painter—“

“I get the drift,” Philip said as Lukas popped a finger in his own mouth and wet it. “Since you’re a motorcross athlete what does that mean?”

“Means I’ll have to come up with a new trick and name it after you.”

“My ass, you mean? Like ‘flying Philip’s butt’?”

Lukas burst out laughing and had to pull his finger out of his mouth to keep from choking. “Philip!”

Pleased at making Lukas laugh, Philip turned coy. “Need some help with those fingers?” He flirted. 

Lukas’s laugh turned to a grin. “Doing okay by myself, but if you’re volunteering… You know how much I love your mouth.”

“More than my ass?” Philip asked, pulling Lukas up to him and lapping at the tip of his forefinger. 

Lukas looked confused for a minute then caught the thread of the conversation again. “Both. Equally.”

“That means you gotta name a trick after my mouth too.”

“Sweet Heavenly Beauty.”

“You callin’ me that or that the name of the trick?” Philip wanted to know. 

“Both.” Lukas removed his finger from Philip’s sweet mouth, only to have Philip grab his wrist and bring it back. He drew his breath in sharply through his nose when Philip took two fingers in and began sucking them. “Oh God,” he moaned. 

Philip smiled, around the digits. He let them slip free to ask, “how’s that fantasy feeling now?”

“Like a dream.” Lukas slunk back down Philip’s body and tenderly parted his cheeks. Sliding his wet fingers between those lovely cheeks, he pressed a tip in. And was shocked when Philip’s body went completely pliant. “Philip?”

Raising his head slightly, looking down at the man between his thighs, Philip simply said, “I love you.”

A goofy smile, that Lukas could not have stopped for all the money in the world, appeared on his face. “Love you too.” He bent his head, taking Philip’s cock back into his mouth as he pressed his finger in more. He used his free hand to urge Philip’s leg back over his shoulder. 

Philip whimpered when Lukas removed his finger, then gasped when another finger joined him. A gasp that turned to a moan as those fingers scissored as the mouth around that cock sucked him. “Lukas. Oh God, Lukas!”

A mumble. Then Lukas removed those fingers. 

“I swear to God--!” Philip said, half sitting up. 

“Easy,” Lukas smiled up at him, lifting his mouth up. He cupped Philip’s ass and brought his fingers up sensually. Lowering his mouth again, taking that salty flesh in, he pushed two fingers back inside his lover. 

A loud gasp of pleasure made Lukas smile, which made it difficult to keep to the task at hand. The gasp turned into an exclamation when he added a third finger. 

“Lukas, please, please, no more teasing. Need you. Need you now.”

“Yes,” Lukas gasped out, need overwhelming him too. He scrambled to the night table and pulled a condom out. He kept a stash there now, along with a few other supplies, for when Philip came over. 

“How do you want me?” Philip asked, looking up with heated eyes. 

Biting down his impulse to say however Philip wanted it, Lukas hesitated. 

“Lukas.” Philip half sat up and put his arms around his boyfriend. “Tell me what you want, handsome?”

Lukas let out a soft laugh and raised downcast eyes. “I...” He was scared. 

Philip seemed to realize. “What is it? Do you think I won’t want to?”

Lukas nodded once. 

“Can’t say yes or no until I know,” Philip told him quietly. 

“I…like, like we did the first time?” 

Startled, Philip tilted his head. “Why would you think I wouldn’t want to do that? Our first time was wonderful.” Then he got it. “Oh, Lukas,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against the other man’s. 

“We can do it however you want,” Lukas protested, almost begged. “Or we can just forget it.”

Philip pulled back enough to look at his face. “Is that what you want?”

“I don’t want to hurt you. In any way.” Lukas’s voice was rough with emotion. 

And Philip knew that Lukas thought that having sex the way they did, their first time, would hurt him. By reminding Philip that while and Lukas had been having sex Ryan was murdering his mother. Not long after Lukas had gotten out of the hospital, they had attempted sex. Lukas, still recovering from his wound, had been on his back, like in the motel. Philip had started crying before they got very far, thinking about his mom. They had simply cuddled for the rest of the night, Lukas murmuring soft words to him and stroking his hair. 

Thinking back, they had not had sex in that position since then. Or even attempted it again. His eyes narrowed. 

Lukas knew he was busted. Since that disastrous attempt he had always made sure they didn’t end up in that arrangement again. He would never have brought it up but Philip had told him to tell his fantasy. “I’m sorry!” He tossed the condom he was holding down and wrapped his arms around Philip, tight. 

“No, Lukas, I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry you never felt we could do this after the way I reacted that one time.”

Lukas looked surprised. “You didn’t! I mean, I get it. The associations—“

Philip cupped his face and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I let the bad stuff overwhelm me then. I should have remembered the good. In the hotel. With you.”

Lukas said nothing. 

“Lie down,” Philip urged, picking up the condom and starting to rip it open. 

Lukas searched his face then went to lay, stomach down, on the bed. 

“Other way, please. Not that it isn’t a great view of your ass,” Philip joked, perhaps a bit strained. 

“Philip. Are you sure? I—“

“I want this. You definitely want this. Let me associate this with something good. With you and our love.”

Lukas felt his eyes grow damp. “Yes,” he whispered, meeting Philip’s gaze as he turned over. He watched his boyfriend unwrap the condom and slide it down over Lukas cock. He let out a breath, realizing he’d been holding air in. Lukas observed as Philip swung his leg over, straddling Lukas’s own. 

Now perfectly in position, Philip looked down at him. “Lukas.” The name was all he said but it was enough. 

“Please,” Lukas whispered again. “Yes. Please?”

Philip smiled gently then nodded, maneuvering until the tip of Lukas’s cock was at his entrance, then slowly sinking down. He moved inexorably down until Lukas was fully in him. 

Lukas marveled, as he always did, at how well he fitted inside Philip, how perfectly their bodies blended. He caressed Philip’s hips, reveling in the sweet feel of his dick inside of Philip. Once upon a time, he thought he would never get this again. That he still did, and on a pretty regular basis, was a miracle in his eyes. 

As Philip’s hand skated down and lingered at the scar on Lukas’s chest, Lukas lifted that hand and kissed his palm then the tips of his fingers. Philip ran his thumb over Lukas’s lips and Lukas darted his tongue out to lick at the pad. That caused Philip’s hips to jerk, which—in turn--made Lukas moan. 

“How’s reality versus fantasy right now?” Philip asked. 

“I can’t tell the difference,” Lukas admitted. 

Philip looked startled then absurdly touched. A very soft smile crossed his lips and he leaned down, bending a bit awkwardly to kiss him. It was gentle and loving. When their lips parted, Philip moved back enough to look in Lukas’s eyes. They said nothing, letting their eyes speak for them. Then Philip sat back up and lifted himself, rocking back down. 

Lukas let out a breath. 

“That what you had in mind?” It was what Philip had done at the hotel. Not wanting Lukas to have to do much work, to ease his injury. “Want me to ride you?”

Lukas inhaled, hard, this time. “I…”

“Use your words, handsome. Please?”

“I…I want—“ he broke off as Philip rose and fell again. 

“Tell me what you want, Lukas,” Philip encouraged. 

“You. You. Always you. Forever.”

Philip smiled. “You proposing, Waldenbeck?”

A furious blush came over Lukas’s face. He had, in fact, been thinking along those lines. Not very hard, still too fearful of reaction. But the thoughts had come to him. To protect and cherish Philip Shea for the rest of his life. To make it up to him by loving him until death parted them. 

Some of his thoughts had apparently come across his face because Philip broke off his movements and looked down. “You’ve thought about it.” It was half questioning and half full of wonder. 

Lukas suppressed the urge to make a joke, to brush it off with some comment like ‘of course, why wouldn’t I want to marry my hot boyfriend?’. Instead, he merely nodded and cut his eyes away, afraid to see rejection there. 

A hand touched his face and his eyes came back. Horrified, he half sat up at what he saw. “Philip?” He whispered.

Philip was crying. He was still in Philip and he was crying. 

“You’d really want that? You’ve thought about it, for real?”

“Yes,” he admitted, bringing Philip to his body, holding him in his lap. He didn’t pull out, more concerned about emotional things right now. 

“My stomach,” Philip burbled through tears. 

“Philip?”

“My stomach hurts, Lukas. I love you. I love you, so much.”

Confused, Lukas held Philip to him, a hand soothing on his back. “You’re not mad?”

“That you love me enough to want to be with me forever? To want to marry me? Yeah, I’m real pissed off.” Philip let out a shaky laugh. He pulled back and swiped at his eyes with one hand. “We’re going to talk about this, Lukas. We’ll definitely be coming back to this topic of conversation. But,” he took a deep breath, “for now, back to what I was talking about before.”

“You sure you’re all right?” Lukas asked quickly. 

Philip nodded. “Better than I have been in a long time.” He leaned in close and kissed Lukas. It started off tender and quickly grew heated. 

Lukas hated that the taste of tears, of salt, was one he knew on Philip’s lips so well. When they pulled apart, he licked at his mouth, lapping the wetness up and swallowing it. He wished he could swallow all of Philip’s pain, all his sorrow, take it into himself. He knew that wasn’t possible but still, it’s what he felt. He also felt bad about Philip having to do all the work as his boyfriend rode him. He wanted Philip to feel as aroused as he was. 

Reaching out, he wrapped a hand around Philip’s dick, fingers curling. 

“Lukas,” Philip moaned out his name. 

When they’d done this in the hotel, Lukas had used his other hand. He thought about switching but he decided to go with this one as it was the one he most often used with Philip. He worked his boyfriend as the thrusts lost a little of their cohesion. 

Philip was making little noises, that were growing louder and louder as he lost himself to the sensations. Lukas wanted to pull him down and swallow each of them, not to quiet him but to keep them for himself. Philip so rarely got to let go, to truly enjoy, to wallow in ecstasy like this. He kept his eyes open, enjoying every moment, almost more than his own dick in Philip’s sweet ass. Then Philip squeezed him, inside, and he changed his mind. 

“Philip,” he gasped out the name. 

“What, Lukas? Tell me what you want.”

“Want to come,” he managed to say. 

“Then come,” Philip’s voice was a mix of desire and deep, deep affection. 

That was it. Lukas could not hold on. He thrust up once more, deep inside Philip’s body, and climaxed. Philip threw his head back, hair shaking, lips parted. He looked so beautiful that Lukas felt a little more come spurt free, into Philip. 

Lukas’s hand had stopped moving as he had lost himself to his orgasm. As soon as the aftershocks faded, he looked at Philip’s swollen cock and began to move his hand again. He looked up and gasped aloud at what he saw there. 

Philip’s hair falling down, face flushed and sweaty. Eyes bright, lips puffy and red from kissing. And a giant smile on his face. He looked…happy. So very, very happy. Lukas wished he was a photographer, like Philip, so he could take a picture and keep that image in his heart forever. 

“You’re so beautiful,” was what came out of his mouth. 

Philip’s grin somehow managed to widen. “You ain’t so bad yourself. Though I know one way you could look better?”

“How’s that?” Lukas asked, playing with Philip’s balls. 

“Painted in my come.”

Lukas laughed. “You think so?”

“I do.” Philip’s grin became a different sort of smile. “I do,” he said again with a bit of a giggle, then he licked his lips. “Almost there, handsome.”

This was a deviation of what had happened in the hotel room. Lukas, determined back then to get Philip to come first, had worked his boyfriend dick so they could come together. They had. Well, Lukas had come and Philip seconds later. Lukas had always been absurdly proud of himself that he hadn’t just come the instant he was inside Philip, so enamored was he of Philip. 

A few more strokes and Philip was signaling him he was ready. Moments later, Philip came, indeed painting Lukas’s chest and belly. That was when Lukas realized he was still inside Philip. 

“Philip--?”

“Hush. I’m enjoying the afterglow,” Philip smiled to show he was joking. He threw his head back and let out a deeply contented sigh. Then he slowly lifted off Lukas, moving as if to get off the bed. 

“No, I got it.” Lukas slid off the bed, removing the condom and disposing of it. He spared a thought for how he used to practically bury them in his garbage can or make sure to take it out so his father wouldn’t find them. Now? He simply tossed them. He ambled out to the bathroom and got a washcloth, making sure it was neither too hot nor too cold. He took it back and knelt on the bed, to clean Philip up. 

“You didn’t clean up first?” Philip asked, looking up at him. 

“No.”

“You could have.”

“Didn’t want this to get cold,” he waved the washcloth about a bit. 

“Always taking care of me,” Philip said but not in a disapproving way. “This was supposed to be about you.”

“It was. It was everything I could have wanted, Philip. Thank you.”

“Fantasy fulfilled?”

“Beyond fulfilled,” Lukas told him, getting up off the bed. 

“Go get cleaned up, Lukas. Then come back to me.”

Lukas hurried out, washing up quickly—but making sure to do it thoroughly, as he didn’t want to gross Philip out—then heading back in. Philip was waiting in bed, under the covers but still obviously naked. Lukas slid in with him and immediately moved to take Philip in his arms. But Philip rearranged them so that, this time, he was holding Lukas. 

“Philip?”

“Let me take care of _you _, hold you for a while? After all, you are the man I’m going to marry, someday.”__

__Lukas went completely still in his boyfriend’s arms, then completely limp. “Yeah?” He tried for casual and missed by a mile._ _

__Philip’s smile was sweet. “Yeah.” He pulled Lukas into a soft kiss. “Like I said, we’ll talk more about that later. For now, just want to snuggle with my guy.”_ _

__Lukas burst out laughing, burrowing in close. “You are such a dork.”_ _

__“But you love me anyway.”_ _

__Lukas, started to drift off to sleep in the warmth of Philip’s arms, agreed. “I do. Always and forever.” He felt the ghost of chuckle go through Philip’s chest and then was sound asleep._ _

__

__End_ _

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if I need to change/add to the tags


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